September 23, 2009 Daniel Facebook

Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 12:07pm
My Brother Joseph… what to say? I can’t even begin to tell you how close we were. I like to think that Kyle, Joe, and I were as close as brothers can be. When we were little we did everything together. There were fights, but on the whole we always got along. I played the annoying little brother to a T throughout are childhood, and he always put up with me. In fact, one of my favorite stories about him and I was one that I was too young to remember. Joseph was building a puzzle in our old apartment, but could not seem to find several of the pieces. Then my mother saw me running along with something in my hand and said, “Hey Daniel, what you got there?” With a devilish grin I opened my hand to reveal the missing pieces. Apparently there is a video of it somewhere, but I am not sure I will ever be able to watch it now that he is gone.

I can’t even say or think the word dead, whenever I hear that word I cannot hold it together. My Dad keeps repeating the phrase “Joseph, my Joseph” to himself and it feels like knives to me… I can’t really face it yet. I can act normal when I don’t think of everything as final, which is easy to do since Joseph has been away for such a long time that it got to the point where it seemed normal to me if I didn’t hear from him for a month or two. It never had the feeling of finality though. I was so excited to see him again in December. I talked to him just last week and told him he should spend the winter with my friends and I out in Jackson Hole. I can’t believe I miss him so much already… it doesn’t seem real. I keep picturing his accident, but can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I know that it happens, in fact we read about death daily, but I never thought it could happen so close to home. I guess I thought about myself dying quite often in the last year. After my car crash, life seemed so much shorter and uncontrollable then it had beforehand, but that was in relation to my own life. I never applied those thoughts to my brothers, who have always been so much less accident-prone then myself. How did he fall? If I was there could I have stopped him, or prevented it somehow? I don’t have any guilt for not being there, which would be pointless, but I am curious. I have much more experience in the outdoors than he did, and was perhaps more cautious in some ways (as unlikely as that sounds). Also, even though he was my big brother, I still felt like I was responsible for him in some ways… on Kilimanjaro I kept a close eye on Kyle and Joe for any signs of altitude sickness. I was worried about Joseph a few times since he felt sick, and almost was to the point of making him turn around, but it turned out to just be a stomach virus that passed and left him fine for the summit day. I was so happy that we all made the high point that day, and it was a moment of true achievement that I accomplished with both my brothers. Since we all split for different colleges these moments were rare… and I never really got to say goodbye to him.

I was so proud that Joseph had made it into the Peace Corps, which is not an easy application process, and I told everyone that I would listen about it. My parents were not thrilled with the idea, but they knew it was what he wanted to do. I think that it was really an experience that allowed him to grow into himself more. Although I would give anything if he had never gone to Africa. Nothing that has happened takes away what he did there though; I believe that he did good work while he was there.

I don’t really know where to go from here, but the process will take a while. I don’t really know why I am putting this out there, but writing something seemed to help a little. Maybe it is to let people know a little about him? How he was a kind, loving, devoted brother and son. How he wanted to make a difference in the world. I guess most of all this is just an attempt to talk to him. In that vain of thought, Joseph, I miss you more than I can say already, I loved you more then I ever told you, and I pray that there is an afterlife so that I can tell you face to face someday.

Love,
Daniel